We're in Like Sin

I wish I could say my life fucking rules, but I can't. I'm probably getting passed up for the promotion I was promised at work. It's fucking gay. I don't think I'll ever catch a break. It's so unnerving. I want to just pick up and leave sometimes. I hate to sound so depressed but nothing seems to be going right for me at the moment. I wish I had some help. I guess I just have to learn from all of this and grow. Roll with the punches you know?


"Not for one second can I imagine a retraction. How much longer can we take beauty for granted?We've a lack of reason, an absence of passion. We're without clarity, in a world of empty vision and I doubt there's a better place for anyone until we learn love"



Why do I do this to myself?

I don't know why but my dad has had this injured streak. I don't know what his deal is. He's not as young as he thinks he is and I hope this helps him learn. I guess he fell off a horse while horse riding and now his arm is injured. I don't know if it's broken or not but he'll be out of commission again for a long while. What sucks is that he still hasn't found a job since getting laid off and this isn't helping him. This is his third time being injured in the past 3 months. His unemployment checks wont last forever. 




Today is such a stressful day. I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Well, couch, considering my bed is at my apartment. I just woke up on a bad note. I think it's because yesterday was such a let down. I was excited to be house-sitting for the weekend because it meant having the house to myself and being able to throw a party. I put out invitations online and only two people responded. I wanted to have a big BBQ and have a bunch of people over so that it was more than just a typical weekend kick back. I wanted to order the UFC fight and watch it with all the people I hold close.... but nope, nothing.

Friday ruled, Saturday blew, today is looking about the same. 











One thing though... I'm not over it. I don't want to just let it go and forget it ever happened. I know things aren't in my favor, but I don't want to just quit.

Fuck Everything

Wake up and let go Of these feelings that I've had for you It's easier said than done So give up (give up) and let go (let go) Of these feelings that I've had for you Why couldn't you be the one? 'Cause it's a guilty pleasure Deciding whether you were ever mine or not But the truth's apparent That you weren't ever mine to start What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you So don't close your eyes Every night I kept you upI never once heard you say stop But right now I wish I had I wish I had the nerve to tell you that I'm a wreck But what really did you expect? You never listened to what I said to you (what I said to you) 'Cause it's a guilty pleasure Deciding whether you were ever mine or not But the truth's apparent That you weren't ever mine to start What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you (I need you) Now this broken shell of a boy Falls to pieces with no choice At the sound of her voice he falls apart Now this broken shell of a boy Falls to pieces with no choice At the sound of her voice he falls apart, He falls apart, he falls apart, he falls apart... What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you What will it take to make you understand that I I'm not lying when I say I need you




















I need you

Je T'adore

I'll part the sea.

For you I'd break the sky.

The heavens aren’t worthy, so why am I?

You're a fucking masterpiece,

A perfect played ensemble.

I lose myself in your eyes

Let me take you home.

Lying serenity, you're the image of an angel.

You're face so radiant, even in the darkest hours.

I know I shouldn't be doing this but I can't help it. There is something about this that leaves me feeling starved. I want that movie moment. You know, that moment where everything falls together and all that's left to do is transition to the happy ending. I feel like I've had that in the past, and I let it slip past me. Now this time around I am determined to take hold of it, but in doing so I might be ruining the chance. I'm going to try my best to be patient. I mean, that's all I can do right. What if I miss my cue and get written out of the story? You know what; FUCK THAT,I'll make this movie a summer blockbuster.

Teardrops on the fire fade

It's safe to say that I don't have any clue about what I am doing right now in life. I put up this act that everything is just fine, but I lie. My financial situation is scary, my relations with most of the people I know are a little wierd, and I'm not too sure if I know what I want right now.I hate this feeling. But, I'm not depressed or anything, so don't get that idea. I'm just in this wierd little twilight zone right now.

Notorious

i hate the fact that i dont talk to anyone anymore. the only people that actually text me are Brittany and Karen. its like i dont talk to people unless i run into them. i hate it.

This reminds me of middle school. i would just sit on my computer and talk to all the friends i made on aol and i was happy. even though i only had two real friends in real life, i was content with what i had. we would just talk all night about bull shit and i loved it. whenever i was ground from the computer it was like i was robbed of my life.

in this modern world where everything is connected through the internet, i am starved for that community i onced held so dear. Sure i have my friends, but what happens when theyre not home? am i supposed to just lay around and wait?

this is killing me

Notorious

i hate the fact that i dont talk to anyone anymore. the only people that actually text me are Brittany and Karen. its like i dont talk to people unless i run into them. i hate it.

This reminds me of middle school. i would just sit on my computer and talk to all the friends i made on aol and i was happy. even though i only had two real friends in real life, i was content with what i had. we would just talk all night about bull shit and i loved it. whenever i was ground from the computer it was like i was robbed of my life.

in this modern world where everything is connected through the internet, i am starved for that community i onced held so dear. Sure i have my friends, but what happens when theyre not home? am i supposed to just lay around and wait?

this is killing me

Yesterdays LA Trip

(I wrote this yesterday but I wasn't able to post it here, so I just copied and pasted it just now)

today was too badass. Krownz, Karen, and I pulled a last minute mission to LA. it was cool cause it started out shitty and then got way better.

So, we dropped Karen off at her cousin's house and took off to Pasadena in search of this Hooters that appearantly doesnt exist anymore. We wasted an hour and a half just to find out it closed down a month ago. After dealing with the annoyance, we back tracked back to Paramount to pick up Karen. From there we headed off to Venice.

At Venice, i found shitty parking but we got over it fast. Karen had never been there so we explored the strip to find some pretty crazy things. there was this street performer who stepped on shards of glass. He was all about voodoo or something cause he was saying some crazy stuff. We looked around some shops and our hunger eventually vetoed Karen's wish to continue forward lol.

We headed off in search of the Hooters in Santa Monica. We were fucking determined haha. The entire time in LA was spent listening to the world famous KROQ. We got there and hoped to God that we wouldnt get the same type of waitress as last time... What a let down ha! It was like whatever though. She was cool kinda. She touched Adrians ass at least twice and slid her tits across my back trying to be inconspicuous the entire time. It was definitely awkward, but its her job so we didn't care. We ordered the 50 piece platter and made them all drumsticks. It was a difficult task but we almost completed it. It eventually became a test to see who wouldnt bitch out first.

For us, that was the end of our LA Adventure. we went home and listened to good-ass music the entire time. It was cool talking to Brittany on the way home. She definitely kept me occupied.

We got home and swooped up Mark. he hung out fot a little bit before taking off. a bunch of others came over but im getting over this lol.

aishiteru

This is the story of unchained momentum

So last month I was really down on life. For the longest time I was trying to find a reason. I was thinking it was my lack of time with friends I used to spend every waking moment with. Then I started thinking it was me, not being able to accomplish anything in life. But, what I have found is that it was the distance between me and the one person I should really worry about. GOD. After having a long talk about it with a few dudes, I realized how distant I was from him, and how that was affecting my relationships with others. Even my relationship with Pauline was going down hill because the love was fading. That's when it hit me: GOD is LOVE. I've heard it a million times, but it finally hit home. I realized that until I learned to love Him again, I wouldn't be able to love anyone else the same. Now that I've come over that, things are back on track. I'm happy again.

If you ever feel down and out, just get some of your close friends together and start a discussion about Skynet. That's all it took for me. haha

I lie to myself cause I do it best

So I used to help run a street team for this band called Cetas Aspire. It was so much fun. Even though they weren't a huge signed band or anything, I still was excited to be working with the band directly. I listen to them so much every day that eventually I started commenting them and they started responding. After that, I joined the street team and they noticed I was really interested in being involved. They asked me to help moderate their myspace and to help organize things. I did some stuff and did some hands on work as well. That was one of my favorite memories. We stayed up all night making these T-shirts for the street team only to go pass out thousands of fliers and CDs at Coachellafest. Wow its hard to imagine that was almost a year ago. 

Anyway, back to the whole reason I was writing this.... I really want to get those guys back out here to start playing shows. They put on such an awesome live show and their music is no less than captivating. I'm talking to Steven Kippel about getting them to play out here but it's not exactly for sure. I am going to try my best to go to his next show so that I can give him the Cetas Aspire demo. I'm sure he'll like them. So anyway, I want to start getting more involved, so I'm definitely going to start spreading the word again. I'm going to Bring Back Love.

Is this the way a toy feels when its batteries run dry?

I used to love this place so much. I used to love the desert. I used to hassle anyone that said they hated the desert and gave them 20 reasons why its so awesome here. I guess I forgot those reasons because right now, the is the last place I want to be. I want to get out of here finally.

I never used to be like this. I don't know what happened. Maybe it's cause I'm living at home again. Something about this house gets to me. Maybe it's my relationship with my parents? Maybe it's the way they seem to expect failure from me? That has to be it. It's starting to take a toll on me. I'm not the same person anymore. I've become too familiar with defeat.

I might just be running away from my problems but fuck it.

'ello Sparrow

I've never wanted to abandon anyone, but I feel like that's what I'll be doing soon. I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to dislike living in the desert. Everyday seems like a repeat of the day before, like my life is a record and the needle is skipping over that same scratch, trying to correct it's path. I love all of my friends I really do, but I want more than this. I know I'm being selfish but I can't help it. I want to join the Air Force. I want to get out of here. I really do want to. I'm afraid of leaving people behind though. Pauline is probably gonna feel the worst of it. I feel bad for her, I really do, but this is something I feel I gotta do you know? And then there's Jamie and Mark. I really wish I didn't have to leave them. I know Jamie probably feels like everyone around him is picking up and leaving, and I don't want to contribute to that but I kinda have to. And Mark... I don't want Mark to feel like he has no one left. I don't want him to hate it here like me.


Whatever though. Im going to make the most of my time and do the best I can to make sure everyone around me knows I love them. I'm not going to let this blackhole suck everyone else into before I leave. I'm going to make sure they're tied down and secure before I go anywhere.

It might be for the best

So earlier this morning I intended to post a blog but I couldn't find the laptop because my sister hordes it even though she is supposed to be grounded from it.... Well anyway, I wanted to talk about the rising sun and how at that particular moment, everything seems right with the world. Many of my memories in life find me riding in a car driving home with the growing light of the morning sun as our beacon. I don't know what it is about dawn that feels so tranquil for me, but I know that if I'm going to stay up, that's what I need to feel right about the night. No matter what happens, if I get to that point, I am satisfied. Even if friends got into a fight, if someone important bailed on me, or if someone died, I truly believe that seeing the rising sun would make me feel better. I'm going to make it a goal of mine to see that California Sunrise every time I pull an all-nighter cause there's nothing else like it.

I think we would look great dead

Today I was able to do what I have failed in doing so many times before. I wrote a some what accurate "About Me." I've never been good at describing myself. I don't like to talk about my good traits that I believe define me as, what ultimately I would like to be considered, a good person. I always feel like I am just bragging or being vain, so I don't say stuff like that. Other times I come off as overly zealous of my convictions and ideals. Sometimes I come off as a sappy romantic. I've never been able to describe myself because there are so many things to describe. So this time, I went about it a different way. Rather than try to explain what I am, I tried to explain why I am. Why I am the way I am. Things from my past and present that have dictated what I've become.

Where is your God?

So to keep up with everyone I've decided to make this blog. I made another on about a week ago, but I didn't like the result. It was dumb and I wasn't in my usual state of mind. I had been researching Star Wars with my bad ass Star Wars Encyclopedia that Jamie and Adrian had bought me and I tried to come up with some askewed Star Wars personality for my blog idea and it was just stupid. So I'm keeping it real with this one and just sticking to what I do best: being myself.

So there you have it. I may not be as great as my name says, but that's the least of my concerns. Have fun peering into my life one post at a time.