Welcome to Bangkok

Music is such a huge part of my life. I can honestly say that if I laid in bed and listened to my favorite albums all day it wouldn't be a wasted day. Sit down with me and discuss music with me and I would love it. I invest so much emotion into the music that I listen to that I get so overly animated when explaining how much I like a song or why I like said song. I could explain to you why each song means so much to me for every song on every one of my favorite albums. I could break down the lyrics and their meanings over and over again. I take things to extremes and even have songs picked out that I want played at my funeral. I can honestly say that my one last dying wish would be to listen to Brand New's "Welcome to Bangkok" one last time.

This makes me wish I could actually play and/or write my own music. I wish I was more musically gifted. I've tried learning to play bass in the past but I never really dedicated myself to it. I didn't know where to start when it came to learning. I just sort of held it in my hands and fiddled around with it. I want to change that. Since music is one of my strongest passions I want to dive into it completely. I have so many musician friends that LOVE playing music, even though some might not even be in a band. I see how lost they become in their instrument when they play it and I become so envious. I don't have aspirations to become a rock star. I just want to get to the point where I can enjoy what I'm playing and take pride in it. One problem though is that I am not very creative. I can't start anything myself and see it through, but if you give me something to work with I can take it a tweak it around and make something wonderful. It's not just with music, it's with everything I do creatively. I've always had that problem. I first noticed it when I stole an essay off the internet for a report I needed to do in the 8th grade. I took valid facts and strung them together with a bunch of exaggerated bullshit and I got a successful report out of it. I did all throughout high school. I never actually read the books I needed to write about... I would just find key plot points on Sparknotes and then BS my way into receiving an A on my assignment. That has now carried over into my creative process as an adult. Learning to break that is going to be tough but I'm going to try. As soon as I can I'm going to go out and purchase another bass and a "How To" book if that's what it takes. All I hope is to at least bring myself up to a level suitable for playing alongside someone. Who knows, maybe once I begin playing with people I can put that whole BSing thing that I'm so good at into my music. You know, take a bar of music, write a base bass line, and then sit there and work and work at it until it's improved as much as I can.

We'll see where this goes. If any of you ever want to talk music, I'm your guy.

I Might Hate This World, I Might Hate Myself, But I Won't Be A Wasted Soul

For a while there I was in a pretty bad slump. I was definitely in a dark place and I didn't think I was going to get out of it anytime soon. Luckily though, I was able to find a new hope.

Lately, I've been feeling the weight of the world coming down around me. It felt like everything was holding me down and keeping me from moving on. It was as if all of my mistakes in my past were chains that kept me shackled to the floor of this deep, dark place. In all honesty, I wouldn't ever want to admit what was going through my mind. I didn't have anything to look forward to. I kept myself going with the idea that I could somehow break away from all of this. That I would someday leave it all behind. But I know that's not what I need. That's not what I need to save me from myself.

Thankfully, I have a new direction to go in. An opportunity has presented itself and I'm throwing myself at it fully. I'm giving myself to this new chance at life because I know it's what I need. Once things get rolling with this everything will change. I'm excited again. I'm looking forward to the future again. I can't wait to see the world in full colors again.

Looking Back I Am Undone

If I could go back in time I would change so many things in my life. If I could just go back to high school at least. There would be so many things I would do differently. I was lurking about Facebook, skimming through my classmates, trying to find people from my past that I haven't talked to in a while, and I noticed so many people I didn't like online. Granted, a lot of the times it was because they were annoying and obnoxious, but I hated A LOT of people in high school. I also realized that there are so many people whom I recognized but never at all were friends with. It kind of made me wish I was more outgoing in high school.

I may not seem like it, but I'm actually quite shy. Sure, I'm a very loud person and I can handle myself well in social situations, but I've never been an outgoing kind of person when it's just me. I don't go out of my way to meet new people. I mostly use my friends for that. Usually, the only times I really meet new people is either when we have a mutual acquaintance or if they approach me. That's why I like keeping a few friends close to me when I go out. Having my friends around bolsters my confidence and I'm able to force myself to be, well, myself. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

I was thinking about high school and I just regret so much. I was such an asshole back then. Trying to impress my friends with how funny I could be. I was a dick to people that really didn't deserve it. I hated people just to hate them. I wish I could go back and right all the wrongs that I've done. I wish that I could just go back and relive it so that I could change everything. I wouldn't change the company I kept or anything like that. I would just try my best to be a better person. I would strengthen my bonds with the people that weren't in my close circle of friends. I wouldn't waste time trying to be something I wasn't for people I didn't need to impress.

I feel like I'm plagued with the legacy of what I've done in the past. Like, it follows me around and everyone will just view me as the person I think they view me as. The person that I hate. It's enough to make me want to just leave and start all over some place else. Somewhere that nobody will know who I am or what I've done. That way they can get to know the person I am today, and not remember who I was five years ago.

If Your Heart Was Broken, You Would Be Dead...

I was originally going to do this as an RTChronicles post but I seem to have gotten past that part of my life for now. I can't say why exactly, I just have. I suppose I lost my gusto. I noticed that the posts were getting more and more cryptic and the few positive ones I posted weren't what I had originally intended them to be. But, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post was the song lyric that I used as my title for this entry. (For those that aren't aware, all of my posts are titled with a song lyric that happens to coincide with the theme of that particular rant)

As I sat here eating my banana and drinking my coffee I was browsing around YouTube and came across this song by The Sleeping called "If Your Heart Was Broken, You Would Be Dead." My friends and I used to sit in a car and listen to this on the loudest setting over and over. I always enjoyed the line and was humored by the idea of someone dying due to heartbreak. I'm not saying it's not possible, but given the huge influx of "emo" music that was popular at the time I thought it was a clever crack at the current trend. But again I find myself getting distracted...

So whenever I hear this song it always sort of encourages me to keep going in life. If I'm down I can simply put this song on and easily become motivated, pushing away whatever troubles are bumming me out at the time. When I listen to it I remember one their other lines from the song, "King of Hearts." In that song they simply flip the lyrics to this song and combat the theme of "King of Hearts" with the lines, "my heart isn't broken and I'm not dead." I always remind myself that my heart ISN'T broken and I'm not dead. It's like I get upset with myself and think, "Why am I letting things get me down?" Even though things aren't going my way... And even though I'm not the happiest person in the world... And even though I find it hard to continue onwards, I remind myself that my heart isn't broken and I'm not dead.

True Friends Stab You In The Front

So, recently I realized how many of my really good friends I'm not really close to anymore and it really bothered me. I'm not talking about the people I got into a fight with and now we don't talk cause of some wrong done against one or the other. I'm talking about all the people I really care for that I just sorta grew apart from. It sucks to think that I let them fall away. No. Scratch that. It sucks to think that I fell away. I was in a bad spot in my life for a while but now that I've gotten beyond that I'm going to try to make amends with the people that I let go of. I guess what it took was for a few of those people to seek me out and try to rebuild the bridge that connected us.

So now I'm going to try my best to strengthen all the friendship I am currently more active with and rebuild on the ones that I haven't put effort into lately. I know I won't always be able to be there for everyone and I don't have all the right answers, but I'm always here to listen. I'll never turn away someone that needs someone to talk to. It's going to be a long road and it'll be tiresome but it'll all be worth it in the long run. I tend to spread myself too thin when it comes to my different friendships but I am confident the results will justify all the energy spent.

One thing that I have noticed is that I let other things hold me back and I'm tired of that. I'm tired of letting other obligations keep me from pursuing other ventures. As much as I am doing this for the sake of my friendships with everyone, I'm mostly doing it for myself. I'm changing my life little by little and all I'm asking is that I get support in this.

I Wanted You For Nothing More Than Hating You For What You Were

I've come to the realization recently that I've hated a lot of people in my life. And I think about it and look back and think, "God, what a waste of time." All those years I've spent just hating people just because.

I bring this up because a girl came into my store the other day and she was someone I used to make fun of in middle school. When she came in she recognized me and I noticed her look of, "Oh great I don't wanna deal with this guy." That's when it hit me really. I felt like such an asshole for having the things I said to her in middle school carry over to present day and have her remember me for that. It sucks thinking that she's always going to think of me as "THAT guy." And trust me, you never want to be "THAT guy." So, I treated her like the damn queen and gave her the best customer service, I joked around with her little son and even helped them out to their car and she was caught completely off guard by it. She thought I was just going to be a dick like I used to be and was really glad that I wasn't. I guess that was just my way of trying to rectify my actions from the past. I don't ever want to be "THAT guy" in a negative way.

Now, there are few people in my life that I actually hate. There are some people I try NOT to hate, but they don't make it easy on me. I'm not saying that I'm changing my life and I'm never going to hate another soul, cause that's BS. I will hate people and I know it. It's just kinda who I am. I get bothered by people fairly easily and a lot of the times it's over the dumbest reasons. I'm just trying to change myself so that I don't act on those annoyances and say or do something that will alert them to the way I feel. I don't have to be a dick to someone just because I don't like them, you know? Cause like, how bad does that feel knowing someone just down right hates you? Knowing that you have to watch what you say and do around that person to make sure you don't set them off. I don't want anyone feeling that way around me. Granted, I'm not going to just let people I don't like walk all over me, but I'm going to try my best to not be an jerk towards them.

I'm just trying to better myself as a human soul and this is one way I'm changing myself for the better.

Controlling My Feelings Far Too Long

So lately, I've been in this weird haze. The only thing I can compare it to is in the movie Office Space, the main character gets put into a hypnotic state of happiness. He just doesn't care about all the things that used to get him down. I feel the same way lately. I'm not sure what it is that really made me this way. I just know I was watching a show where the main character burns her house down and moves away as a way to start all over. After that, I just thought about all the crap that has been holding me down within the past year and I just let it all go. I don't know how, or why I was even able to just let go of everything, but I did.

I mean, don't get me wrong, there are still things that bother me, and I'm not just content with life. But I've been much happier and I've been a lot more productive since that day. It's the weirdest thing.