Welcome to Bangkok

Music is such a huge part of my life. I can honestly say that if I laid in bed and listened to my favorite albums all day it wouldn't be a wasted day. Sit down with me and discuss music with me and I would love it. I invest so much emotion into the music that I listen to that I get so overly animated when explaining how much I like a song or why I like said song. I could explain to you why each song means so much to me for every song on every one of my favorite albums. I could break down the lyrics and their meanings over and over again. I take things to extremes and even have songs picked out that I want played at my funeral. I can honestly say that my one last dying wish would be to listen to Brand New's "Welcome to Bangkok" one last time.

This makes me wish I could actually play and/or write my own music. I wish I was more musically gifted. I've tried learning to play bass in the past but I never really dedicated myself to it. I didn't know where to start when it came to learning. I just sort of held it in my hands and fiddled around with it. I want to change that. Since music is one of my strongest passions I want to dive into it completely. I have so many musician friends that LOVE playing music, even though some might not even be in a band. I see how lost they become in their instrument when they play it and I become so envious. I don't have aspirations to become a rock star. I just want to get to the point where I can enjoy what I'm playing and take pride in it. One problem though is that I am not very creative. I can't start anything myself and see it through, but if you give me something to work with I can take it a tweak it around and make something wonderful. It's not just with music, it's with everything I do creatively. I've always had that problem. I first noticed it when I stole an essay off the internet for a report I needed to do in the 8th grade. I took valid facts and strung them together with a bunch of exaggerated bullshit and I got a successful report out of it. I did all throughout high school. I never actually read the books I needed to write about... I would just find key plot points on Sparknotes and then BS my way into receiving an A on my assignment. That has now carried over into my creative process as an adult. Learning to break that is going to be tough but I'm going to try. As soon as I can I'm going to go out and purchase another bass and a "How To" book if that's what it takes. All I hope is to at least bring myself up to a level suitable for playing alongside someone. Who knows, maybe once I begin playing with people I can put that whole BSing thing that I'm so good at into my music. You know, take a bar of music, write a base bass line, and then sit there and work and work at it until it's improved as much as I can.

We'll see where this goes. If any of you ever want to talk music, I'm your guy.

I Might Hate This World, I Might Hate Myself, But I Won't Be A Wasted Soul

For a while there I was in a pretty bad slump. I was definitely in a dark place and I didn't think I was going to get out of it anytime soon. Luckily though, I was able to find a new hope.

Lately, I've been feeling the weight of the world coming down around me. It felt like everything was holding me down and keeping me from moving on. It was as if all of my mistakes in my past were chains that kept me shackled to the floor of this deep, dark place. In all honesty, I wouldn't ever want to admit what was going through my mind. I didn't have anything to look forward to. I kept myself going with the idea that I could somehow break away from all of this. That I would someday leave it all behind. But I know that's not what I need. That's not what I need to save me from myself.

Thankfully, I have a new direction to go in. An opportunity has presented itself and I'm throwing myself at it fully. I'm giving myself to this new chance at life because I know it's what I need. Once things get rolling with this everything will change. I'm excited again. I'm looking forward to the future again. I can't wait to see the world in full colors again.