Looking Back I Am Undone

If I could go back in time I would change so many things in my life. If I could just go back to high school at least. There would be so many things I would do differently. I was lurking about Facebook, skimming through my classmates, trying to find people from my past that I haven't talked to in a while, and I noticed so many people I didn't like online. Granted, a lot of the times it was because they were annoying and obnoxious, but I hated A LOT of people in high school. I also realized that there are so many people whom I recognized but never at all were friends with. It kind of made me wish I was more outgoing in high school.

I may not seem like it, but I'm actually quite shy. Sure, I'm a very loud person and I can handle myself well in social situations, but I've never been an outgoing kind of person when it's just me. I don't go out of my way to meet new people. I mostly use my friends for that. Usually, the only times I really meet new people is either when we have a mutual acquaintance or if they approach me. That's why I like keeping a few friends close to me when I go out. Having my friends around bolsters my confidence and I'm able to force myself to be, well, myself. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.

I was thinking about high school and I just regret so much. I was such an asshole back then. Trying to impress my friends with how funny I could be. I was a dick to people that really didn't deserve it. I hated people just to hate them. I wish I could go back and right all the wrongs that I've done. I wish that I could just go back and relive it so that I could change everything. I wouldn't change the company I kept or anything like that. I would just try my best to be a better person. I would strengthen my bonds with the people that weren't in my close circle of friends. I wouldn't waste time trying to be something I wasn't for people I didn't need to impress.

I feel like I'm plagued with the legacy of what I've done in the past. Like, it follows me around and everyone will just view me as the person I think they view me as. The person that I hate. It's enough to make me want to just leave and start all over some place else. Somewhere that nobody will know who I am or what I've done. That way they can get to know the person I am today, and not remember who I was five years ago.

If Your Heart Was Broken, You Would Be Dead...

I was originally going to do this as an RTChronicles post but I seem to have gotten past that part of my life for now. I can't say why exactly, I just have. I suppose I lost my gusto. I noticed that the posts were getting more and more cryptic and the few positive ones I posted weren't what I had originally intended them to be. But, that's not the point of this post. The point of this post was the song lyric that I used as my title for this entry. (For those that aren't aware, all of my posts are titled with a song lyric that happens to coincide with the theme of that particular rant)

As I sat here eating my banana and drinking my coffee I was browsing around YouTube and came across this song by The Sleeping called "If Your Heart Was Broken, You Would Be Dead." My friends and I used to sit in a car and listen to this on the loudest setting over and over. I always enjoyed the line and was humored by the idea of someone dying due to heartbreak. I'm not saying it's not possible, but given the huge influx of "emo" music that was popular at the time I thought it was a clever crack at the current trend. But again I find myself getting distracted...

So whenever I hear this song it always sort of encourages me to keep going in life. If I'm down I can simply put this song on and easily become motivated, pushing away whatever troubles are bumming me out at the time. When I listen to it I remember one their other lines from the song, "King of Hearts." In that song they simply flip the lyrics to this song and combat the theme of "King of Hearts" with the lines, "my heart isn't broken and I'm not dead." I always remind myself that my heart ISN'T broken and I'm not dead. It's like I get upset with myself and think, "Why am I letting things get me down?" Even though things aren't going my way... And even though I'm not the happiest person in the world... And even though I find it hard to continue onwards, I remind myself that my heart isn't broken and I'm not dead.