I Wanted You For Nothing More Than Hating You For What You Were

I've come to the realization recently that I've hated a lot of people in my life. And I think about it and look back and think, "God, what a waste of time." All those years I've spent just hating people just because.

I bring this up because a girl came into my store the other day and she was someone I used to make fun of in middle school. When she came in she recognized me and I noticed her look of, "Oh great I don't wanna deal with this guy." That's when it hit me really. I felt like such an asshole for having the things I said to her in middle school carry over to present day and have her remember me for that. It sucks thinking that she's always going to think of me as "THAT guy." And trust me, you never want to be "THAT guy." So, I treated her like the damn queen and gave her the best customer service, I joked around with her little son and even helped them out to their car and she was caught completely off guard by it. She thought I was just going to be a dick like I used to be and was really glad that I wasn't. I guess that was just my way of trying to rectify my actions from the past. I don't ever want to be "THAT guy" in a negative way.

Now, there are few people in my life that I actually hate. There are some people I try NOT to hate, but they don't make it easy on me. I'm not saying that I'm changing my life and I'm never going to hate another soul, cause that's BS. I will hate people and I know it. It's just kinda who I am. I get bothered by people fairly easily and a lot of the times it's over the dumbest reasons. I'm just trying to change myself so that I don't act on those annoyances and say or do something that will alert them to the way I feel. I don't have to be a dick to someone just because I don't like them, you know? Cause like, how bad does that feel knowing someone just down right hates you? Knowing that you have to watch what you say and do around that person to make sure you don't set them off. I don't want anyone feeling that way around me. Granted, I'm not going to just let people I don't like walk all over me, but I'm going to try my best to not be an jerk towards them.

I'm just trying to better myself as a human soul and this is one way I'm changing myself for the better.

Controlling My Feelings Far Too Long

So lately, I've been in this weird haze. The only thing I can compare it to is in the movie Office Space, the main character gets put into a hypnotic state of happiness. He just doesn't care about all the things that used to get him down. I feel the same way lately. I'm not sure what it is that really made me this way. I just know I was watching a show where the main character burns her house down and moves away as a way to start all over. After that, I just thought about all the crap that has been holding me down within the past year and I just let it all go. I don't know how, or why I was even able to just let go of everything, but I did.

I mean, don't get me wrong, there are still things that bother me, and I'm not just content with life. But I've been much happier and I've been a lot more productive since that day. It's the weirdest thing.